Why Venus Retrograde Is the New Mercury (and You Should Start Eating Like It)
When Venus gets onto the dancefloor, she comes to slay. Humanity will be in for six whole weeks of cosmic mayhem from the planet that's associated with our personal pleasures — and yes, this includes the foods we love.
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The Ultimate Retrograde Survival Guide
Every three to four months, perhaps you've come to fear the maelstrom of Mercury retrograde and the chaos it brings: foggy thinking, mixed signals, missed connections. Fortunately, thanks to Mercury's small orbit, there are only a few weeks at a time when it appears to be going backward in the sky, so if you hang tight it's an easy cosmic catastrophe to ride out. Its neighbor, however, is another story, and you better be scared. If you didn't know Venus could retrograde, start emotionally preparing yourself — and everything in sight in your kitchen.
Her longer orbit means that she performs this optical illusion only every 18 months, but once she does, humanity will be in for six whole weeks of cosmic mayhem. We consulted celebrity astrologist Angel Eyedealism to teach us about this planetary phenomenon and how to tackle it head-on.
Know Your Opponent
According to astrology, each celestial body rules a different part of our lives, and you must understand their unique powers to stand a chance of defending yourself from them. Mercury rules communication, which is why it feels nothing goes your way during retrograde. The moon rules moods and emotions, which is why everyone seems to turn into a deranged lunatic when it's full. Venus rules — and you're not going to like this — love, money and luxury.
These three things can be a powder keg of misfortune if the slightest thing goes wrong. Venus retrograde is known for bringing romantic calamity and excruciatingly painful first dates (like, seriously, maybe renew your vows with Netflix and don't leave the house for six weeks). How do we cope with such things? By eating our feelings, of course. And wouldn't you know it, Venus is going to be creeping up behind you, whispering in your ear: "You know, you deserve better than sitting alone and eating 24 slices of American cheese. Let's whip out the credit card go crazy with some imported Camembert." Next thing you know, you've blown two months' salary on lobsters, chocolate and chocolate-dipped lobsters — and you have no idea how it happened.
Understand Your Sign
It's intimidating enough just knowing you need to deal with this planetary nonsense, but "knowing" is only half the battle. Every zodiac sign has its own traits, and the way your stars align with the planets will bring an artfully curated selection of impending doom, customized exclusively for you.
The ultimate foodie sign is Taurus; those who fall under that sign may need to lock themselves in a closet until this is all over. If you have a beloved Taurus in your life, consider stocking his or her fridge with celery sticks and flavored sparkling waters, and provide supervision as much as possible (call up some friends and work in shifts for a fun bonding experience!). Leos, the kings of the zodiac, already prefer the finest, most-expensive foods available to them — if you are one of them, consider canceling all your credit cards now before you do something really stupid (you will do something really stupid, because Venus is coming for you and you can't hide). Libras prefer sweets at all times as is, so they should not enter Venus retrograde without consulting a doctor ahead of time.
Develop a Plan
You should probably accept that this will be six weeks of bad choices, because chocolate and the universe itself will always be more powerful than your feeble attempts at willpower. You will splurge. You will overeat. You will know you're out of control, but you will be powerless to stop it. This is why you must strategize.
Instead of succumbing to takeout every night, keep a freezer full of high-quality frozen items that you don't have to cook. Change up your routine and shop at the budget supermarkets instead of the luxury ones where you will blow your budget on everything they are handing out samples of because you just can't help yourself — plus maybe some pretty flowers and $60 artisanal potato chips, because you're worth it. Rid your home of all alcohol, because when luxury and indulgence meet romantic mishaps, absolutely nothing good can happen. Bury in a bunker, or gift it all to your nemesis in order to crush his or her romantic dreams like ants.
Living the high life isn't a bad thing if you can afford it, and if you can't, change your idea of it to keep your soul satiated and your house out of pre-foreclosure thanks to a blackout caviar binge. Crack open those fancy cookbooks you got over the holidays, or go pick out some new ones at your local bookstore (they're not a splurge; they're an investment!). Bookmark the sexiest recipes you can find to take a crack at over the next month and a half — maybe consider inviting all the members of your Venus retrograde support group over for a dinner party or two. Remember to not attempt a romantic night in the kitchen with a significant other, because Venus will make sure one or both of you gets "accidentally" stabbed.
Upgrade the Mundane
It's unlikely you can survive six whole weeks of forced deprivation; honestly, you shouldn't deprive yourself. You deserve wonderful things — you just to be aware that too much of a good thing could can bring on regrets down the line. Decide where you can afford to splurge, and then let yourself give in. Get yourself a fancier afternoon snack. Set your table nicely to make dinner at home feel special (candlelight is always a nice touch). Buy lots of fruit instead of ice cream (because if you're going to go overboard anyway, it's nicer to feel proud of your decisions).
If you know that despite your best efforts you'll still succumb to your worst vices, force a moment of clarity upon yourself and set plans in motion that will help save you in your darkest hours. Sign up for a subscription to a meal-delivery service, which will encourage you to cook for yourself. It will not only feed your body, but the luxury of trying exciting new dishes will feed your primal needs to satiate your soul with only the best.