In Which I Continue to Poison My Colleagues

By: Jonathan Milder

Anyone who's ever visited the Food Network's kitchens knows just how immaculate they are: all gleaming, crumbless surfaces and floors you could eat off of. And yet in even the most spotless of kitchens, there is always something better left uningested. The overwhelming majority of these somethings cannot be seen without the aid of a microscope and, fortunately, are rendered harmless by the miracle of cooking. But every once in a while some foreign object inexplicably finds its way into the kitchen. So let me explain. Yes, in a test kitchen lowboy, on the bottom shelf, all the way back, in the plastic container, is a LIVE VIRUS TYPHOID VACCINE. Yes, it is mine. Me me me. All mine. I did it. And I can explain.

Owing to a doctor's error earlier this week I find myself in the possession of a rather expensive vaccine that I don't actually need and probably shouldn't take. And due to force of law, neither my pharmacist nor my doctor is allowed to accept it for proper disposal. So today the vaccine sits in the lowboy, in a very strange sort of limbo. And until I can determine the safest way to dispose of it, there it will stay. Help!

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