How To Cut (Nearly) Perfect Chives, According to Professional Chefs
A Reddit user has been cutting chives almost every day until his audience “says they’re perfect.” It’s day 56 and counting.
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You can find joy and beauty in repeating a tedious task, striving for an ideal that remains tantalizingly out of reach. That’s the path Reddit user F1exican seems to be on, anyway.
F1exican, a.k.a. Chive Lord, has been “cutting a cup of chives everyday until the Reddit says they’re perfect.” Today is Day 57 , and he hasn’t achieved perfection yet.
Why is F1exican cutting chives every day?
Why did Chive Lord set himself to this grueling task? The answer may be the impossible nature of the goal itself.
“Never being able to cut chives perfectly to a chef's satisfaction is a very old running joke in the kitchen world,” another Reddit user explained on Day 53. “In fact, when I worked in kitchens almost a decade ago, I myself was a victim of criticism from chefs about chives being ‘too long.’ And that’s the point. They are never short enough. They are never perfect enough. Chef will always find a flaw.”
Now the subreddit r/KitchenConfidential — a group for restaurant industry professionals — is Chive Lord’s kitchen. The audience, a following in the tens of thousands, has become his demanding boss, assessing each near-flawless photo with the punchline, “See you tomorrow, chef!”
It’s all in good fun, of course. A behind-the-scenes photo from Day 54 shows Chive Lord documenting the day’s batch, and a user remarks, “It’s like watching the Mona Lisa being painted.”
Why was there drama about the chives?
These antics haven’t been totally free of controversy. Philadelphia got in on the joke, advertising its Chive & Onion Cream Cheese on Reddit with a wink to F1exican, to the dismay of some users who didn’t like the corporate spin. (Philadelphia later sent Chive Lord cream cheese, a Reddit and Philadelphia-branded cutting board, a set of Japanese knives and some other goodies, all packed in green paper shreds resembling the notorious allium. The move earned respect from the thread.)
There was also a scandal on Day 31. Chive Lord didn’t have time to chop a fresh cup of chives, so he rotated a previous image instead of skipping a day. He was caught for “fraud.”
“When my future grandchildren talk about chivegate, I can tell them I was there,” one user joked.
Chive Lord apologized the next day. His punishment was to cut a double batch of chives and arrange them in the shape of a cat, which he did. He’s since been forgiven.
“Whew, glad we didn’t overreact,” a user commented.
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How do you cut perfect chives?
Given F1exican’s quest, we have to ask: What makes chives perfect, anyway? And are they possible to achieve?
“The perfect chive is very thin and should keep its circle shape,” Andy Liang, a Food Network recipe developer, says. (Liang once worked in a French restaurant that “had a strict look” for its chives, and yes, he was asked to redo them.)
Liang and Food Network Lead Recipe Developer Amanda Neal recommend using a long chef’s knife, a wooden cutting board and a rocking motion to cut restaurant-quality chives. They agreed on five tips:
- Use a very sharp knife. A dull knife will crush the chives, and you won’t get a circular shape. “Honing the knife would help too,” they add. “Especially in between cutting.”
- Bundle the chives. “Wrap a small amount in a paper towel or use a rubber band to hold the chives together,” they suggest.
- Cut off the roots. “Starting at the root end, chop off about a half-inch off so they start at the same time,” they advise.
- Slice them thin. “The chives should be jumping off the knife as they get cut,” they say.
- Stop at the ends. “Don’t chop all the way to the tip of the chives,” they say. “Once they start to separate in your fingers, move on the next bunch of chives.”
Why do people care about perfect chives?
Liang and Neal suggest chives are the marker of a precise, skilled and “detail-oriented” cook. As a garnish, they’re highly visible.
But on the internet, uniform chives are more about the noble pursuit of greatness, one millimeter at a time.
“I feel like we get bombarded with expectations of perfection so often that we forget that improvement, and really the genuine desire to improve, is really where the success is,” one user commented on Day 55. “I’m dealing with some challenges that can sometimes feel insurmountable, but then I recall that just keeping at it and trying to improve, though a humble goal, is the most important one.”
The bit is bringing people together.
“My husband will ask me ‘did you see today’s chives post?’ And then we discuss,” another user commented on Day 55.
And, simplest of all, the series is fun to watch.
“Great job chef, seeing you chop chives every day brings a lot of joy!” a user commented on Day 55.
Perfect chives may be an unattainable goal, yet it’s somehow an honorable one. We must imagine Chive Lord happy. His fans certainly are.
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