Every three to four months, perhaps you've come to fear the maelstrom of Mercury retrograde and the chaos it brings: foggy thinking, mixed signals, missed connections. Fortunately, thanks to Mercury's small orbit, there are only a few weeks at a time when it appears to be going backward in the sky, so if you hang tight it's an easy cosmic catastrophe to ride out. Its neighbor, however, is another story, and you better be scared. If you didn't know Venus could retrograde, start emotionally preparing yourself — and everything in sight in your kitchen.

Her longer orbit means that she performs this optical illusion only every 18 months, but once she does, humanity will be in for six whole weeks of cosmic mayhem. We consulted celebrity astrologist Angel Eyedealism to teach us about this planetary phenomenon and how to tackle it head-on.

According to astrology, each celestial body rules a different part of our lives, and you must understand their unique powers to stand a chance of defending yourself from them. Mercury rules communication, which is why it feels nothing goes your way during retrograde. The moon rules moods and emotions, which is why everyone seems to turn into a deranged lunatic when it's full. Venus rules — and you're not going to like this — love, money and luxury.

These three things can be a powder keg of misfortune if the slightest thing goes wrong. Venus retrograde is known for bringing romantic calamity and excruciatingly painful first dates (like, seriously, maybe renew your vows with Netflix and don't leave the house for six weeks). How do we cope with such things? By eating our feelings, of course. And wouldn't you know it, Venus is going to be creeping up behind you, whispering in your ear: "You know, you deserve better than sitting alone and eating 24 slices of American cheese. Let's whip out the credit card go crazy with some imported Camembert." Next thing you know, you've blown two months' salary on lobsters, chocolate and chocolate-dipped lobsters — and you have no idea how it happened.

It's intimidating enough just knowing you need to deal with this planetary nonsense, but "knowing" is only half the battle. Every zodiac sign has its own traits, and the way your stars align with the planets will bring an artfully curated selection of impending doom, customized exclusively for you.

The ultimate foodie sign is Taurus; those who fall under that sign may need to lock themselves in a closet until this is all over. If you have a beloved Taurus in your life, consider stocking his or her fridge with celery sticks and flavored sparkling waters, and provide supervision as much as possible (call up some friends and work in shifts for a fun bonding experience!). Leos, the kings of the zodiac, already prefer the finest, most-expensive foods available to them — if you are one of them, consider canceling all your credit cards now before you do something really stupid (you will do something really stupid, because Venus is coming for you and you can't hide). Libras prefer sweets at all times as is, so they should not enter Venus retrograde without consulting a doctor ahead of time.

You should probably accept that this will be six weeks of bad choices, because chocolate and the universe itself will always be more powerful than your feeble attempts at willpower. You will splurge. You will overeat. You will know you're out of control, but you will be powerless to stop it. This is why you must strategize.

Instead of succumbing to takeout every night, keep a freezer full of high-quality frozen items that you don't have to cook. Change up your routine and shop at the budget supermarkets instead of the luxury ones where you will blow your budget on everything they are handing out samples of because you just can't help yourself — plus maybe some pretty flowers and $60 artisanal potato chips, because you're worth it. Rid your home of all alcohol, because when luxury and indulgence meet romantic mishaps, absolutely nothing good can happen. Bury in a bunker, or gift it all to your nemesis in order to crush his or her romantic dreams like ants.