10 Questions We Need Answered After Watching Paris Hilton's New Cooking Show

But her fingerless gloves, forgotten ingredients, random utensils and trusty paper-towel trick make it all worthwhile.

When you hear that Paris Hilton now has a cooking show on YouTube, you probably think to yourself: “I definitely don’t need to watch that.” I am sorry to burst your blissfully ignorant bubble, my friend, but yes — yes, you do.

Paris Hilton cooking her “infamous lasagna” in the kitchen is the funniest thing you may have seen in quite some time. I have now watched the 16-minute video twice and, judging from the fact that it has racked up more than 1,300,000 views in only four days (plus way more on Instagram), I am certainly not the only repeat viewer.

The show has everything humor, suspense, jaw-dropping surprises. What’s more, from the minute the famous-for-being-famous heiress sashays into what is apparently someone else’s kitchen (Is it the very first time she has set foot in it?), wearing a rainbow (her “favorite color”) sweater, jeans, high heels, fingerless black gloves and her blonde hair down and flammable and carrying a tiny dog, and declares herself to be “an amazing cook,” the video also raises many, many deep questions, which then beget other questions.

Among them:

  1. Hasn’t anyone told Paris that it is highly unsanitary and actually really gross to cook with gloves on, especially after holding a dog (even one wearing a fancy apron) and after handling raw meat and egg, and yes, even if said gloves are usually for “sliving” but now have been dubbed your “chef gloves”?
  2. What the heck is “sliving”? (“Slaying” plus “Living” in Paris-speak, apparently.)
  3. Which hapless assistant bought Paris the “annoying” kind of lasagna noodles you have to cook or “steam,” as she puts it and how will that assistant be made to pay later? Cookbook author Alison Roman is not having that pasta-cooking method, Paris, although she’s actually pretty game for going along on your wacky lasagna ride.
  4. Was that hapless assistant the same one who stocked the countertop with an impressive array of message-emblazoned kitchen towels, but neglected to set aside the precise utensils the erstwhile reality-TV star would need to cook lasagna or get Paris grated mozzarella, which would have spared her the trouble of grating the ungrated stuff herself and risking her finger health?
  5. What has Paris’ “long day … as usual” entailed?
  6. How has Paris reached the conclusion that the wide array of cheeses that exist today is “not normal” but “cool”? And why is she brutalized by the variety of spoons available to her?
  7. Why add more salt, albeit a different kind of salt, after having previously added so much salt you had to blot it off your browning meat with a paper towel? (Paris’s paper-towel trick works for olive oil, too!)
  8. Does she know that tap water does not come out of “sewers”? (“It’s beyond.”)
  9. What does she have against onion and garlic? Too bad she forgot, but she didn’t let it cost her the chance to model her onion-chopping sunglasses!
  10. What will Paris make next week?

Yes, next week. “Cooking with Paris” is positioning itself as a weekly, with new episodes going live every Monday, and honestly, I’m kind of excited to find out what infamous food Paris infamously tackles next. Will the ‘chef gloves’ come off? Will her hair catch fire? The questions just keep coming.

(And by the way, if your appetite for lasagna isn’t totally ruined now, here are some actual recipes. Hold the paper towels.)

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